Vegies, Vegies, Vegies everywhere! The beginners contest at new gym Global One saw the gathering of no less than four of the world’s rarest creatures – Vegetarian Powerlifters! – in one place. What’s more, head of the Patch Noah Hannibal won Best Lifter! Noah totalled an improved 600kg, including a big 170kg bench and a slightly dubious 230kg deadlift.

20090613 joel kirkilis squat s

Joel Kirkilis squatting

The other three of the beltless (no leather) four included newcomer Joel Kirkilis. Near-crippled by a background in bodybuilding, Joel began his journey into the light with a promising 500kg total. Luke-spawn Andrew Clark was surprisingly together on seven successful attempts, whilst tardy trainee Patrick Virtue was unsurprisingly untogether in a battling 4-success 307½ kg.

Meanwhile, amongst the carnivores, young Michael Censori improved 50 kg to total 382½ kg at 67½ and Soviet Mystery Man Vladimir Roudavski also improved, throwing in an improbable 220 kg last deadlift attempt, just so another confounding piece of disinformation will go into his KGB file. Another one needing a check on the birth certificate, Ned “Rohan Smith” Brook recovered from trauma on the squat to total 402½ kg in his first contest.

In the bench-only contest Laird Ross created some spectacle in a long day by dropping 150kg on his head, with the help of a separating rack. Laird exited via ambulance, but two scans were negative for damage (not presence) re the brain.

Out in the wilder fringes of competitive Powerlifting, Garish-inspired Alex Chen and Jithan Varma both needed three attempts to get through their squats, but thanks to the lifetime ban imposed on Garish putting shirts on anyone, made it easily through the benches. Rachel Kendrick came back from her knee surgery to lift well and Daniel Lim was suitably Minh-esque in the 67½s.

The contest featured two real-life lifters, Mary Macken tuning up for the World Masters with an even 300kg and Yuval Bar, injured and down from his phenomenal best of 235kg, with a still strong 200 kg bench press.

Onwards now to Broadmeadows, the natural habitat of the battling Powerlifter, on September 19.

-Robert Wilks